In this new era of whatever life is going to look like for the world, I’ve realized I’ve squandered some of the precious time that I have on this Earth by not filling it with more things I enjoy doing. I have put off doing a blog for years, I’ve always thought people won’t want to read it or may not care about what I care about. Well, the 2020 lock down made me realize a lot of things. Namely, it’s absolutely fine if no one reads this or cares about what I care about. I enjoy writing and talking about personal development and living a mentally and physically healthier life. Plus, a great friend and I were catching up and she asked me why, when I’ve been talking about writing for years, have I never done it? The answer was fear, I think. This post is about the things that get in the way of our happy moments. We all have happy moments, we just frequently don’t pay as much attention to them, I know I’m guilty of that. I thought I could share what I’ve learned about my own lapses in happiness and how I’ve gotten in my own way. I thought it could help someone see things from a different perspective. Here’s the list of 5 ways I came up with that sabotage my own moments of happiness.
1. Wish things were different than are – my personal companion of discontent.
I know, I know. We’re taught that we should *be* something different, *be* somewhere else in life, *be* feeling different, ad nauseam. Now, let’s be clear, I’m not talking about social evolution and things that do have to change so that we can become better people. I’m talking about the little everyday thoughts and actions that create the discomfort or desire or shame and the ultimate unhappiness that we engage in many times during our day. I spent so much energy and time that I will never get back thinking that happiness will “happen” once X has been attained. The thing is though, happiness is not a moment we arrive at and stay. Happiness or joy are simply moments that we tend to ignore in hopes of ‘more.’ I imagine how we would treat others and ourselves if we paid a bit more attention to the moments of happiness instead of wiping them away with a discontented desire for something else. I think if we allowed ourselves more of those moments, we would be kinder; I’d like to see that.
2. Think that I am owed happiness or contentment all the time
I don’t think we’d actually be happy being happy all of the time, we need those unhappier moments to be a basis of comparison, so we know the difference between happy and unhappy. That being said, we do think that we’re owed “things going our way” if we didn’t, we wouldn’t get upset when they don’t. From wanting the person religiously driving the speed limit in the left-hand lane on the interstate to speed up, to having your computer run an update at an unfortunate time, we all know those feelings of, “why me?” or “of course this is happening to me” or the anger that comes because the situation isn’t what you want it to be. None of that feels good. But the reason it doesn’t feel good is because at some level we expected the situation to be different. Why should it be different for us? What about the other people with their own wants and desires of how the situation will play out? I’m not saying to do the opposite and think things will never go your way either. That’s also a form of odd narcissistic behavior. I am saying to practice looking at reality. To practice seeing situations as they are, noticing what side of the situation you’re on, and then dealing with it like an adult. An exercise I have been practicing for a few years (when I realized this was a big deal for me) is paying attention to as many situations as I can and just noticing when I’m angry or disappointed and then I asking myself something like, “Why does my desire to go 80 in the left lane supersede this dude’s desire to go 70?” It usually comes down to me wanting to be comfortable (mentally, physically, emotionally). Then I get to face the fact that I’m not owed these nice situations to go my way all of the time, just some of the time. It might sound nutty, but that helps me a lot, especially the more I practice it. It also helps me to notice when things are going my way and to enjoy them more often. I think we miss a lot of those moments.
3. Focus on the past and compare it to my now – Depression lives in the past
People tend to glamorize the past and make it better than it was. “Oh, that was such a great time, I wish we could go back to that.” Or, “Things will never be like that again, look how happy we were.” Then, we live in these false narratives of what was and what currently is. The comparison of our idealized past diminishes the brightness of our “now”. We compare that to our day to day and wonder if we can ever be that happy, carefree, loved, etc. again. Well, memory is tricky and fickle and it’s incredibly inaccurate. Dangerously so sometimes. It can drag us down and rob us of the motivation to be where we want to be in our lives by holding us hostage to an idealized inaccurate past.
4. Focus on the future and compare its potential with my now – Anxiety lives in the future
This is my Achilles’ heel. Ah, the future, where I fool myself into thinking my brain is so happy and comfortable there. Really though when I examine this mental space, I find it’s a constant yearning. It simply means my present isn’t good enough. That’s fine as sometimes my present sucks and isn’t good enough, but what happens is my brain goes into overdrive and instead of thinking through practical actions that will bring about change, I get wrapped up in my head with possibilities. Those possibilities capture my attention and energy. Then what started as a good intention with trying to change my situation has now become a stressful anxiety-ridden game of “what if?”. I’ve come to realize having lost so much in the ‘08’ crisis, starting over, building back relationships, a home, to starting a business to then be blindsided by these last upheavals that no level of planning is fool-proof. Ever. We can plan our day to day better, we can make better choices more often (and I know I’m happier when I do,) but we can’t control the future. All we can do is practice making better choices each day as those choices lead to preparation.
5. When I complain – at first it feels so good…
In my experience the root of complaining starts because I am not able to handle the weight of something on my own and in that moment, I need someone else to help me with my burden. So, I will “gift” it to the unfortunate person I’m talking to so that some of their energy can also be spent lifting this weight, thus lessening my burden. Which, of course is not only rude but it’s also actually an unkind thing to do to another person. Small things like saying it’s too hot out or too cold, or someone was rude to me earlier today. Or my husband asking me how I slept and my response being, “not well, I woke up at 2 am worried about sun spots and couldn’t get back to sleep for hours.” That conversation is because I want the pity of my husband to carry me through the exhaustion of a lack of sleep. Not so kind, is it? So, what can I do about it? As with so many things I practice being mindful of my complaining. When do I do it, what brings it on, are there trends to it? Focusing on being more careful with my words allows me to have better conversations and authentically connect with people. That honesty and connection allows me to feel moments of happiness more often, and that’s the goal, isn’t it?
